The life of a creative person - who is not particularly gifted, nor commercially viable, nor critically acclaimed, is still, nonetheless a valid one - and one fraught with struggle and doubt.
The first struggle being: giving yourself permission to call yourself an Artist of some kind in the first place. It's a high falutin word for something that cannot really be 'helped'. It just is. Some people can turn emotions into art, poetry, books or songs.
Creatives might just be prodigiously gifted, without having to emerge from the mire of pain in order to do so...but more often than not, many people stagger unsteadily down the path to creativity because of troubled childhoods and traumatic events in their formative years.
The creativity is the tangible evidence of an inner demon being released. I think the one thing we - under-achieving creatives - all have in common is a feeling of never really fitting in.
I've been several kinds of creative. And I've crossed paths with interesting, eccentric, troubled, arrogant, heartbreakingly kind, scattered, and stunningly proilific incarnations of creativity - in whose company I felt either less or more worthy of calling myself a creative. You never can tell who those people will be. In my career, I've walked up many beckoning hallways only to have the door shut in my face. I've constantly shapeshifted. It all seems to have been such - folly at times.
And at other times, it all made perfect sense. And, at the times when it made perfect sense, I lost my courage to pursue it further. I hid in my various disfunctional distractions.
Well, lockdowns made that a lot harder. I had no distractions, pleasant, painful or otherwise. I only had unfinished business. Unanswered questions and the abiding URGE TO CREATE.
And that's what i have been doing. Putting time and effort into creating. And learning ways to be more creative. And it's taking more and more time. I use distractions DELIBERATELY now, to give myself permission to take time out from the constant brainstorming in my head. I not only have a lot to say, but I have to package it myself, promote it myself. Learn new technical skills. It's a busy life.
A fulltime job. On no pay.
And yet, to be paid, seemed unthinkable. But to continue at this pace and NOT be paid, is also somewhat daft. It is time to SUCK IT AND SEE
IT'S HERE, IT'S QUEER...please lend me your ear.
My first, official commercial release.... Is live. OMG! I can't overstate the amount of confidence I had to summon up to follow this through. But now it's done, I'm feeling pretty darn chuffed. Especially because it was a collaboration with my favourite musician, my son Riley and just as importantly, it is, in and of itself a piece of performance art that speaks to what is in my heart as an activist. I hope you enjoy it and share it. It's available on spotify and itunes and all the other streaming services. An EP will follow. I'm thinking of launching a Patreon to help me with that. What do you think? All feedback is welcomed.
Oh, my Gawd!
It's been almost FOUR MONTHS since I posted on here. If you felt a tremor in the force this morning, it's cos when I realised this, I shook my head so violently from the sheer incredulity, it probably caused a ripple effect through the space time continuum. That's how incredulous am I. How did that even happen? Where did the flippin time go?
What even is 'time' anymore?
Retracing my steps...my last entry was posted on NYE. I was feeling rather blasé and downright cynical about the whole "new year, new leaf" thing. As if some arbitrary date could actually motivate a person to step up their efforts to do All The Things. New Things. Different Things. Life Changing Things. The niggling things that had been sitting on the back-burner for the entirety of 2020.
I was so smug about it, I made a REEL POST on Instagram to that effect.
And yet, it has to be said. I have actually stepped up my efforts to do at least some of The Things! Irony much? I've upped my rants and reels output on instagram - not to mention my weekly salute to Kate Bush. This coming week is week 23. You'll notice on my SPOTIFY PLAYLIST there are 22 songs as of today - Monday. There will be more this week. The 'missing' song, is 'Under the Ivy'. It was the B-Side to Running Up that Hill. If anyone knows someone who has found it on Spotify please let me know so I can add it.
What else did I do. OH YEAH... >>>>>
What's the saying: "be careful what you wish for"? You may recall that at the end of October I posted a blog about the fact that I could literally smell change in the air. Then, two weeks later, because the unemployment situation is kicking everyone's ass at the moment, I was suddenly moving house. I talk about the whys and wherefores in episode 13, 'Good Will Hunter', which was recorded right in the midst of it all. And because of the chaos, it ended up being one of the most candid, off-the-cuff and unvarnished podcasts yet. I finally feel like I've settled into this gig and am more able to experiment and allow myself to be truly spontaneous and vulnerable. While the story I shared (narrated), was a story I'd shared in print a decade ago, the emotions really, REALLY hit me, when reading it. I was really taken aback just how immersive the experience was for me. It was tempting to collect myself and re-record the emotional bits, but I preferred to see this experience as a gift to be shared. I don't have a huge following but some folx have followed from the very beginning - every step of the way - so, thinking about it that way, we've been in a relationship for six months now. It's ok to share a few tears. Dang it all to heck, (pardon my French) it's gotta be expected by now!
Is it just me, or does it feel a little bit like there's change a-coming? I'm the perennial optimist even in the blurst of times...and even though things look pretty bloody bleak, I can't help but feel that those whom have felt like they have been pissing in the wind for ages...are finally being given a voice. Which ever way the mop flops next week in the US, there's going to be trouble and that starts with T and that rhymes with B and that stands for Black Lives Matter. The Supreme Court will change, yes but #MeToo isn't going anywhere. In fact, the organisation has just had a reboot to celebrate it's third anniversary. Get in amongst it! When I open up my social media accounts there is even news about countries OTHER THAN THE FUCKING U.S. because of the ability we have for curating our own sources of information, Social media might have our depleted and thirsty egos in the palm of it's hand, but if we remember we still have independence of thought, we can stop being lazy c*nts and search for truth. No one will spoon-feed it to you. Having said that, if you follow me on instagram and FB I'll definitely give you the benefit of my resources.
WE CAN'T JUST SIT BACK AND LET UNCLE RUPERT DO OUR THINKING FOR US!
Oh yes, my belly be lit. I'm not only sensing changes in the world without, I am feeling some changes from the world within. Glimpses of joy and a genuine sense of accomplishment is starting to go hand in hand with my sense of purpose. I'm finding my groove, you might say.
I'm coming up to my 9th episode! Nine is my favourite number as it happens. It's the number of UNIVERSAL LOVE, nawwww!
This current series – IXNAY ON THE INARY-BAY has been an interesting journey. It's funny cos, when I started, I was all about my own BISEXUAL AGENDA (it's kinda like The Gay Agenda, but with a bit less glitter). It was also about cutting my teeth as an interviewer. So basically it was all about ME! ME! ME!
Speaking of me....As you know, to make it a bit easier on myself I roped my son into my first interview – and we chatted about our different experiences in coming out as Bi, given our gender I.Ds and our generational divide. The feedback from that has been awesome. It was followed last week, with an interview with my friend Jessie who identifies as bisexual and as non-binary. I expected that chat to be illuminating but I never factored in just how much it would immerse me in the complex topic of gender. But Jess really got me thinkin!
Happy Bisexual Pride Week!
Like the title? I'm all about 'greater than two'. Because FUCK THE BINARY that's why. When I first decided I would be brave enough to produce my own podcast, there were a few topics ready and waiting to burst out of me - like an orgasm. Unsurprisingly, my first series "2020 an Orgasmic Oddity" was top of the list. A very close second was the topic of bisexuality.
If you identify as straight or gay, ask yourself, how many people do you know are "out and proud" bisexuals? Now compare that list to out and proud homosexuals? Now absorb the fact that, there are actually more bisexuals in the world, than there are homosexuals.
So, if this is really the case, you might be wondering: why are bisexuals less "visible"? Believe me, as a bisexual, I've wondered this a lot.
OMG it's nearly the end of August.
What even is 2020? The podcast has been out and proud for two whole months now and there are FIVE episodes in the ether. Ep 5 is the first in a TWO PART series "A SLIP OF THE TONGUE".
Part A: "WHAT'S IN A KISS?" OK, yes, we're still sexing it up for the time being - because we kind of ended the orgasm talk at the 'beginning'.
The fact is, because 2020 an Orgasmic Oddity (eps 1-4)ended with us focussing on the Vagus Nervous System and how it connects our brains to the pleasurable experiences available to us in the region of the face and upper body (from facial expressions and tactile sensations via lips, mouth, tongue and throat - especially through vocalising)which illuminates all other erotically responsive parts of the body - thereby opening up our concept of where and how orgasms are actually derived.
...and so, after I got all that off my chest, I figured, we may as well linger here and make out for a bit.
I'm kinda sad...
...But also happy that all four epsiodes of 2020 An Orgasmic Oddity have been released into the wild! Obviously this won't be the last time I discuss Orgasm, but this series was specifically aimed at dispelling myths and misconceptions. Not all episodes of the podcast will take the same form as this series did. And not all future podcasts will be 'parts of a series'. But the topic of Orgasm certainly deserved special treatment. I also said at the end of episode 4, that I'd publish some slick vulva/vagina diagrams for your edificiation. Click 'read more', to find them at the bottom of this article.
See, this is the thing.
When I decided to write and record a podcast about ways for women to become more sexually empowered, I knew that I had to do a lot more than suggest the best vibrator, point to the clitoris and say THERE YOU GO - SORTED! My podcast series 2020 An Orgasmic Oddity is a deliberately elaborate journey, because our knowledge about women's sexuality is not only still so stupidly new - we have to overcome a lot of pre-programming before we even get started on relaxing into our bodies to allow natural, organic sexual responses to HAPPEN without the impediments of hang-ups, shame, guilt and low self-esteem concerns. Episode three takes us WAYYYY back, to where it all started. Where we all started. Conception and evolution. *Listen to episodes 1&2 to give you proper context...and then enjoy the episode that gave me the most personal joy to research and compile. I mean, come on...look at that picture!
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